“If your headline promises ‘some helpful tips,’ congratulations. You’ve just bored a reader into a coma.”
GhostSlacker was eating a meatball sandwich when a dead headline slapped him across the face.
“Things You Should Know About Writing.”
He peeled the paper off his forehead.
“Wow. Even dead, you’re still annoying.”
It was midnight at the County Headline Morgue.
GhostSlacker had taken the night shift because the job paid $40 an hour and promised absolutely no human contact.
Perfect career move.
Until drawer number 17 started banging.
Then drawer 18.
Then all 200 drawers flew open.
Thousands of dead headlines spilled across the cold floor.
“Helpful Writing Advice.”
“Some Ways to Get More Readers.”
“Important Tips for Better Content.”
GhostSlacker gagged.
“Great. A room full of headlines with the charm of cold oatmeal.”
The morgue director burst through the door.
“Do something! They’re killing reader interest!”
GhostSlacker wiped meatball sauce off his keyboard.
He opened The Numbered Attention Frame.
He fed it one lifeless idea.
Writers make mistakes when creating opening hooks.
The screen flashed:
“7 Hook Mistakes That Make Readers Leave Before They Finish Your First Paragraph.”
Drawer 17 slammed shut.
GhostSlacker blinked.
He tried another.
“5 Ways to Turn One Old Blog Post Into Fresh Hooks Readers Want to Click.”
Twenty more drawers slammed shut.
The director gasped.
“You’re bringing them back!”
“No. I’m giving readers a clear number and a reason to care. Big difference.”
Suddenly, every drawer went silent.
Then the giant freezer door at the end of the room began to shake.
A yellow warning light flashed.
Inside was the most boring headline ever written.
And somebody had just opened its drawer.
GhostSlacker took another bite.
“Please tell me that thing comes with health insurance.”
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