“Sometimes the best writing advice is two words. Stop it.”
GhostSlacker was being held hostage by a man singing about his childhood.
For 47 minutes.
Without music.
“Buddy, it’s karaoke. Not your life story.”
GhostSlacker had agreed to host Tuesday Karaoke Night at a seafood bar.
The pay?
Free onion rings and a chair that leaned back.
Perfect.
Until a man named Dennis grabbed the microphone.
“Before I sing, I’d like to share a little background.”
GhostSlacker groaned.
Dennis described his first bicycle.
His fourth-grade teacher.
His favorite brand of toothpaste.
Three people fell asleep.
A bartender started chewing ice just to feel something.
GhostSlacker grabbed the microphone.
“Stop telling us your life story and sing the stupid song!”
Dennis looked hurt.
“But they need context!”
“No. They need earplugs.”
Then GhostSlacker’s phone buzzed.
His latest Hook Miners post was due.
And his opening had the same problem as Dennis.
Too much warm-up.
Not enough point.
He opened The Stop Sign Opener.
He fed it his messy draft.
The tool fired back:
“Stop opening your posts with three paragraphs of background nobody asked for. Your readers came for the good stuff, not a guided tour of your brain.”
GhostSlacker smiled.
“Now that’s an opening.”
The crowd cheered.
Dennis finally started singing.
Then the speakers made a horrible popping sound.
The lights went red.
A giant screen above the stage flashed:
Next performer: Dennis’s mother.
GhostSlacker froze.
An elderly woman marched toward the microphone carrying a thick photo album.
“Before I sing,” she said, “I’d like to tell you about my pregnancy.”
GhostSlacker slowly took off his headphones.
“I’m charging extra for emotional damage.”
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